God Loves You

AI image created in Midjourney by Rachel Adell

When people try to project their own hate through God towards people because of their skin color, origin, gender, or sexuality, I can’t help but think that this tops all other sins. Acting in hate in the name of God, who is love. Whether or not you translate the Bible to say this or say that in specifics about one group of people being favored over another, the commandment to love God and love our neighbor reigns supreme over all other commandments, teachings, and bible excerpts. Jesus Christ set the supreme example when He prayed from the cross, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” Matthew 5:44 reminds us to, “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Though, likely, this scripture is more aimed at those suffering form the persecution of those claiming to love Christ. I challenge my fellow Christians to ask themselves about their enemies, and now they treat them.

Since Trump’s second election, the hate is flying free. Men towards women, white people towards people of color, and the uneducated towards those expressing gender and sexuality in a freer form. These conversations are important to have, but not in a way that puts another person’s safety, humanity, and dignity at risk. All Christians, yes, even you are required to forgive everyone. That is loving your neighbor. We are genuinely required to forgive all humans, to give own repentence context and meaning. Does it make sense to beg God for forgiveness, when we can’t bare the thought of peacefully granting someone else use of their own God-given agency?

The predator myths about transgenders and the entire lgbtq community have been fabricated to support certain policies which would exclude that community from inclusion into society. Because, gasp, yes, they too are human. Human rights are an actual thing. And it boggles the mind that full grown adults are still in a mindset of that before elementary and primary school. Women are people, Lesbians and gay men are people, those who are both genders or identify with no gender, are people too. As Christians, we are taught that the fabric of society relies on the construct of the family. Whether or not you find this to be true, let’s all agree that love is the foundation of family. Love reigns supreme in all circumstances. Sometimes families look a little different. Sometimes blood, or straight, isn’t always going to turn out perfect and nice. Sometimes the most Christlike people in the room, are those who are queer or transgender. Yes, I said that. And I won’t take it back.

Please ask yourself if a man wearing a dress or makeup is really grooming a child for SA, or is that a societal notion you have accepted. Are there statistics to back that up? There have always been gender norms, and most people feel most comfortable keeping it that way, especially for their children. But to rely on the outside world to teach your children their own intrisic values is based in fear. If you do not have confidence in your connection and teaching methods as a parent, I would hope you look at that first, before blaming the outside world. For example, in our home, we teach that in order to progress and keep your family growing for eternity, you’ll need the two traditional genders to make that happen. If you find yourself feeling differently, or other people in your life find themselves feeling differently, we would advise that you proceed with love, tenderness and care. For yourself, most definitely, and those for your spiritual siblings as well. Life is not easy, and the more love we can extend, the better.

If you have disowned your child or family member, if you have used slurs, if you have bullied online, if you have ideas in your head that you’ve shared or kept to yourself that have made you act in a way contrary to your principals, it is never too late to change. You can look inside and identify where your peace has been blocked. Reactionary judgement and hate is never the way to enlightenment. Controlling others is never the way to finding your own joy and peace. Healing yourself, healing your family, and healing your community is a helpful shift in focus. Let’s add our voices to the need for more love, healing, and belonging. There is no need to isolate, bully, hurt, or kill someone because you disagree with them. That is a reflection on your monster within, not theirs.

God loves you, not because you check all the Christian boxes, God loves you because you are His. But you are not more His, than your queer brother or sister down the road. They are just as treasured and loved. If anything, they are teaching the world a beautiful lesson in vulnerability, gentleness, honesty, and bravery. To extend challenges to society’s gender construct is a powerful conversation to have. Instead of erasing it, we should be a part of it. Not in a ballistic, shaking our finger kind of way, but with a listening ear and open heart sort of way. Every person that walks this earth is another opportunity for you to expand your love. In this way, you can become closer to God. There may be principals you wish to share to “correct” those you disagree with, but is that really the point? Consider the time, consider the room, consider the message that God really wants people to hear and when. Vulnerable people need to hear that they are safe, cherished, important, and worthy of love. If it comes up, you can share that you aren’t sure why the Bible says a man laying down with another man is a sin. Because let’s be frank, you don’t have any idea why it says that. For all your know, it was something added or twisted by the Niacene Creed to help traditional families and society grow. In the meantime, you can be a friend. You can love as unconditionally as God loves you.

To my queer and transgender friends; In case no one has told you today, you are loved. God loves you. Your are seen, you are held. Your life matters. You are worthy to be here. Any hate you recieve it is not a reflection of you. That hate is a product of much unchecked assumptions and passed on myths and unresolved rage. I know you are are always asked to rise above it, but for the sake of feeling God’s love, you can rise about it. You will be aided and helped by Heaven. You are peace, you are love, I hope you can find time to embrace yourself every day.

You are light, you are color, you have a natural glow. But even on the days you don’t want to glow, just remember God loves you. And I do too.

Love, Rachel

Vous Tous

Image credit lost, if you have information, please contact me 

“You, always you, be you, all of you, be you,” are the words ringing on the chorus of my latest project, written and produced for the ever inspiring Erin Zhurkin, who recently wrote a book about living from the heart. Would you believe it? Our process through this project was solely based on heart, impressions, and snippets of coversations through facebook messenger. Without reading the book, but listening to and talking with her, I quickly realized this song would come to exist far easier than expected. Her message, and the way she made me feel was easily expressed through music.

Erin and I met as young moms about a decade ago in Nashville. We both had daughters with french names, and we loved music and art. We had long conversations and shared our life philosophies, and I felt an immedate kinship. Although our meeting was brief, she made a lasting impression on my heart. The other unique thing we have in common is moving and traveling with our famlies from country to country since we last saw each other. Outside of Nasvhille, she has lived in Russia, Paris, Ireland, and Korea and I have lived in Australia, Canada, India, and London.

Before I dove into her book, the message of not fitting in and following my own heart reasonated. Before I started moving, I never really fit in anywhere, so I already had some practice before arriving in all these new places. My childhood was rocky and I was always falling for punks and skater boys. As an adult, I’m a fully practicing Christian, like what? I am a musician who still thrives in gritty environments like dive bars and crap music venues, while everyone wonders if I am an A&R rep or not. At church I’m the wild card, the unhinged truth teller who makes no apologies for being one hundred percent authentic. And besides, I always wondered what the purpose was of pretending to fit in anywhere. It’s based in a sense of fear, and a lack of a sense of self, which in reality is more common than we’d like to beleive, and actually quite sad. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where expansive personalities and ideas were not only welcome, but celebrated and explored? It’s one thing to be a jerk and challenge the status quo or wag your finger, but it’s another to lovingly shed more light on the heart of the truth.

It’s not like it’s always easy, cozy, and comfortable though, right? Just as this plus size influencer in the Parisian fashion world, a world that is entirely size-obsessed. They are very open about it too; skinny is good, fat is bad. To stand there in a larger body and say, actually, yeah no, that’s wrong, and I’m going to stand here and be empowered by what I know to be true in my heart. Posing a challenge to the rigid and stale concept of size feels entirely liberating. Let go, ahhhh, let’s breath. Thank goodness for the new generation who is insisting on body diversity without air brushing. Hallelujah to the skies and to the earth for this! Wasn’t it Coco Chanel herself who wanted women to be able to move and breath in their clothes? Let’s catch up fam.

image from "@erinzhurkin

The song, Vous Tous, that I wrote for Erin and Abby (the main character) in Plus-size in Paris was released on Valentine’s Day. The day that is all love, but this time, about self love. The podcast will be up and running in March, and I look forward to hearing the lively discussion! Happy to say that Erin invited me to be on one of her episodes, I was so thrilled to be able to have another heart to heart with her after all these years. This woman truly has a heart of gold, and I’m so glad she’s getting her message and spirit out into the world. If you get the chance to listen to the podcast and read the book, I believe you will be deeply inspired to bravely let go of the the world’s hardwired ideals and feel more empowered to live from your heart despite arbitrary expectation.

Love, Rachel

Saturday Sunrise: The Studios

This whole process has been quite a ride. Just getting the songs gathered in over ten years was a thing of its own, but the actual process it took to get this thing kickin’ and off the ground was chaotic at best. There were ten studios we set up and took down while trying to get this thing out into the world. No joke.

When I started songwriting in Los Angeles, I would grab my guitar and write and in our tiny living room. I worked with producer, Patrick O’Doyle, Artcore Records, and did all my official recording in his studio in Crenshaw. We used live musicians on that first album, Unpainting Roses. Dang, they were good. Much better than me, if I were being honest.

Spanish Fork practice space getting packed up for the move to Nashville

My first music space was in the house we bought in Spanish Fork. We had a turret in our room that overlooked the mountains, trees, and skies during serious wind storms. It was extra super sauce day dreamy and I wrote several several songs in that space. Two of which, are on the album, “Hold On” and “Where We Go.” We did have band practice in a downstairs bedroom that was almost big enough and sound proof enough for a drum kit. Miss those guys, they were always up for a good time. They learned my songs in a flash, so effortless. Sometimes the stars just freaking align.

When we moved to Nashville, my studio was in the bedroom. The vocal booth was in a walk in closet, and the work station was situated next to the bed. And although I got a lot of recording done here, it wasn’t the best quality, my husband and I were newbies. Still, it was good practice, and built a good foundation for future recording sessions. I wrote “Dreaming and Dreaming” while living there, along with about 25 other songs, some of which will be released at some point. Nashville is an inspiring place, it’s just oozing with expression and the most undressed honesty I have ever witnessed. The human soul is exposed in Nashville, and I had front seat tickets.

The only photo I have of the Nashville studio, I have 70,000 photos of unobvious moments, but I often miss the obvious ones

When we moved out to Australia, I had a space that overlooked the bay. It was incredible, but it was wishful thinking, because I was too sick from chemotherapy treatments to get any work done. However, I did write “Isn’t It Beautiful” there, and that song has defined my motherhood, so I do not regret a year of pain and joy that eloquently cradled me in joy and light. God, prayers, and my dreamy little babies were exactly what got me through that crushing era. I did keep a blog while going through chemotherapy, because it was the only way I could think to keep everyone updated, being so far away from home. You are welcome to read Rachel’s Answer to Cancer, if you so desire.

Before the desk arrived in the Australia studio, this is the very ‘sun falling on the floor’ I refer to in “Isn’t it Beautiful”

After the desk arrived in the Australia studio, get into that view. How we got Lucky enough to be here, I’ll never know

Cutest Aussie assistant and my sister’s warrior scrabble gift to get me through

Living back in Oregon with my hubby’s parents as we recovered from a very wild year, we were able to use part of the garage and an extra bathroom to fashion a booth. We got bass and piano and vocals done for “You Had to Go” but that song changed tempo and morphed into “Everything” which you will also find on the album. I’m sad to not release those Oregon sesssions, because having my childhood friends Josh and Elyse play on that song was so special. They are on an older version of Logic, so retrieving them properly has not been possible. As I dove back in to record myself, it really grew into this beast of a song, and I’m very excited and proud to have been a part of that process.

Garage bathroom studio in Oregon

We got a lot of recording done here in Oregon, I really thought we’d release the whole album by year’s end

My loyal partner recording all the tracks

A year later in Vancouver, BC, my studio set up was in the bedroom overlooking Stanley Park. I’ll never forget how quiet and sweet our cat Uno was listening to me play to a click. I almost released a version of “Dreaming and Dreaming” that I initially had titled Sunrise. However, every technical difficulty you can imagine happened. It wasn’t meant to be. I was planning to release it on my birthday which happened to fall on a Saturday that year! (Fun fact: The actual release was in 2023, a year in which my birthday also fell on a Saturday).

Vancouver, BC studio set up in the bedroom

We took in a foster son and brought him to Montreal, QC. Honestly, I did barely any writing or recording during that time because he needed a lot of assistance and attention. There were many precautions we needed to take, so it was 24/7 for three years until he was ready to live with another family closer to his mom. During this time, I had a little time and space when the kids were in school, so I took Marie Forleo’s B-School. It was a major investment I do not regret, and I’m actually retaking it again this year, to refresh as I dive into this year head first.

This studio ended up being a bit too cold, as basement storage rooms go (especially in Montreal, ha)

I think the baby played the keyboard more often than I did in our second Montreal place. (I was struggling with postpartum depression).

While we did a term in India, I absorbed the experience fully, and did not try to do any music. Then we got to move back to my beloved Los Angeles and we chose a home within the mountains. Thank goodness we had that hiking trail during the pandemic, because it was our sanity, escape, and perspective during a tragic and difficult time for our family and for the world. This is when I started the Bathroom Concert Series, when I suddently wrote “Who Loves You” on Valentine’s Day. Still cracking up that it ended up on the album. Sometimes songs just spill out how and when they want to, it’s kind of out of your control. When they fit into a body of work you’ve been at for ten years, that’s something else entirely.

Started off in our closet, but then got to set up a bright space downstairs, this is where I really started to dive into my own production

I started with a mini studio, and then moved to a larger studio. I found my tribe online through Catch the Moon program and I am still writing with all of the dear friends I met during that time. Craig Sayer was a part of that group, and he is the one who produced my album. What else? I learned how to use my DAW, Logic Prox, and started actually producing! I could now compose and lay out all the pre production for how I wanted my songs to sound. Such empowerment to have that type control over your sound, I highly recommend it to anyone who has been afraid. You can do it. You really, really can. Just takes some focus, time, and practice. At the end of the day, it’s just another piece of software to learn, so don’t let the gatekeep-y lingo intimidate you. You got this!

I was able to record some singles that have not been released yet, but have been signed to agencies! How fun right?? The pandemic chapter hit the film industry very hard (my husband’s world) and after two years of pure torture and declining health, I drew a line in the sand and got us outta dodge! London was calling.

The London Studio (in the back garden) before we transitioned it from an art space to a music studio

Where the pre production and final vocals all happened for Saturday Sunrise! One more gear upgrade, Neumann 103 and Apollo Solo…highly recommend for projects simliar to mine (I did had more sound treatment up for the vocals of course)

Creating in this space was a total transport back to my childhood yard. Can you spy the studio?

Growing up, I didn’t have consistent attention when I was little, but I did have a yard full of trees and flowers much like botanical dream of a garden. So to be hugged by Heaven again while putting these thoughts, memories and words into music while being reminded of all the good parts of my childhood was an absolute gift.

I was visited by a fox one day while working in the studio. He sat there with me for at least 30 minutes, and as I was talking to him and taking a video, he walked right up to the window and looked straight into my eyes before quietly leaving. Of all my fox encounters, this was the most special. When you’re visited by a fox it’s a sign that you’re on the right path. They’re also closely tied to the spirit world, and their visits also could connect to someone who has recently passed away. My past foster son had passed away only weeks before, Luiza Lale helped me write a song about losing Ocean. We plan to release this song soon. I’ll let you know.

……

Sometimes I get frustrated thinking back on the last ten years, much of which just felt like pure chaos and transition. But the big take away, is that this grounded Taurus girl is NOW much better at change than ever before. The experiences I gained in each place, each home, each country, each city has provided a wealth of perspective. This has served my life and my work, in a way that sitting still never could have accomplished. Instead of dwelling on the hard realities of the last decade, I’m choosing to see it as God creating the perfect setting for actualizing my dream.

I hope that whatever has happened or is currently happening in your life, you’re able to take a moment to step back and reflect on the goodness of life. Acknowledge the ways you were helped to grow and become who you are today. There is so much pain, so much heaviness, in our personal lives and in the world, and I think committing ourselves to consistently seeking joy and seeing the roads and doors that are blown open by this pain, is the answer to life.

I’m committed to looking for light for myself, for you, and for the world.

Come back and visit often, you’re always welcome here.

Love,

Rachel

Album Diaries | Found Me

Song: “Found Me”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Los Angeles & South Dakota 2021

Cowrite with Nancy Gonseth

Topic: When a friend finds you

I cowrote this with a dear friend, Nancy Gonseth, whom I met within my music tribe, Catch the Moom, 6FS. The biggest takeaway has been the community and the cowrites, and the inevitable connections after that. She and I wanted to write a song that explained how special it was to have the mentor we did. Michael Averill was incredibly present and sensitive to our needs, and the needs of our songs as well. 

Walls soft 

Come in

Door wide open

Where we like to be

Right here

You and me

It’s weird

Shy normally

Do I know I’m safe

Giving love away

Pulled to where you are

Pouring light on my scars

You found me

Hidden in my heart

There are special poeple in this world who have the gift of allowing you to be seen. You feel safe in their warmth and light. In all your shortcomings and insecurities, they appreciate you for you. When you try and fail, they are there. They don’t judge, they don’t make you feel less than, they let you be wherever you are. And in many cases when these wonderful people have entered my life I was at my lowest, weakest, and most vulnerable. Now that I have these kinds of people in my life, it’s pretty easy for me to throw up boundaries for the kind of people who would not appreciate my tenderness and heart. I hope you do that as well. There are people in this world who will see more of your light than you will, those are the people you need to be with. Don’t keep trying to convince or fit in with people unplug the drain every time their around.

A road from low to high

Good laughs and good cries

Soul open and so bare

Rushed to me 

You were right there

It’s weird

I’m usually scared

Do I know I’m safe

Giving love away

Pulled to where you are

Pouring light on my scars

You found me

Hidden in my heart

Oh the gems 

How you made ‘em glow

Remind me of what I know

New chamber in my heart

Evolving work of art

Written by Rachel Adell and Nancy Gonseth

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Okay

Song: “Okay”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: London 2022

Topic: This Too Shall Pass

This song was inspired from the day I fainted at the hospital, and woke up with an oxygen mask on my face. The nurse was petting my head and saying over and over, “It’s going to be okay.” I hung onto every syllable of every word of that repeated sentence until it brought me back to consciousness. That statement was so grounding, comforting, and hopeful to me. Sometimes we need a reminder that a horrible moment is not going to last forever. Knowing relief is on the way can be exactly what we need to keep holding on. To this day, I use this mantra to ground myself.

Blurry mind

Empty shell 

Some days

Turn into hell

Eyes hazy

Someone there

Whispered softly

Through my hair

It’s gonna be okay

It’s gonna be okay

I know it doesn’t seem like it now

But give it time to settle down 

It’s gonna be okay

Medicate 

and they radiate

Wrote down the words

I wanted to say

Didn’t know if I

Would live or die

Something said

To me inside

You’re gonna be okay

Watch news

Spread fear

Make storms

Every year

But that old machine

It won’t destroy

Cause love is louder

Than the noise

We’re gonna be okay

Written and performed by Rachel Adell

Harmonies by Georgina Sayer, fellow cancer survivor

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Who Loves You

Song: “Who Loves You”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Los Angeles 2019

Topic: Reminding a childhood friend you will always love them

​​When we were young and chewing gum

Try to blow bubbles with bubble yum

Didn’t know we’d grow up and be terrified

Of all the ways we failed and tried 

As we get older, the weight we carry gets real. Less able to hold as much as we thought we once could. Every day, seems like one traumatic even after another. Our poor hearts. Those heavy, excruciating and isolating things come for us all. 

How do you manage the pain, keep doing life, find the words and make time for them, AND find the right person to talk to? Who has the mental capacity to handle their own drama, let alone mine. Sound familiar? Most of us default to recluse mode, rather than create burden for others. But we are not burdens, we give a gift when we offer our trust and vulnerability. We create connection that cannot be created in any other way.

There is a loneliness pandemic. It’s easy to forget how to connect in an authentic way. An entire generation being raised without the freedom and normalcy of eye contact. Casual hang outs can feel arduous, and at times frivolous. Sometimes it’s hard to calculate the benefit of in person activities. That is, until you bite the bullet and just give it a fighting chance. It’s usually always, always, always worth it.

Life can be a dull knife in the heart

A stab right into the ground

It’ll crush and shake you silently

Screaming inside without a sound

Whenever an old friend is on my mind, I try to reach out to them at that moment. Every single time I do, they have been going through something real, and needed an ear or a lift. So, this song is on the album and was written to remind us all to call our friends. Remind that we are theirs forever. No matter what happens in their life, there is no judgement, no competition, no need for lonliness. This life is tough, and letting your friends know that you are still there and you still care is everything.

If nobody loves you

You know that’s not true

In the cold heart of winter

It’s me, who loves you

Written and Performed by Rachel Adell

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Everything

Song: “Everything”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Los Angeles 2011 , orginal title “You Had to Go”

Topic: Grieving a loved one, namely a parent

This song was inspired by the death of mother in law’s mother. Their relationship was so tender and sweet, and touched me deeply. It was originally titled “You Had to Go” but I wanted to focus more on the love and admiration, not only the loss. The loss is the inspiration for the song, and hopefully creates a space to do some of your own grieiving if you have also lost someone close to you. There is a sweetness is allowing ourselves to truly feel the pain, so we can find some reverance and quiet on the other side.

Only a couple years before Ruthie passed away she told me that she held her daughter and hugged her the whole night during a particularly rough chapter. That image holds space in my heart every time I play or sing this song. Thank goodness for the people who are willing to sit with us and rock us when we need it most.

Always had you before

I don’t have you anymore

All my memories are perfect and right

You held me and rocked me throughout the night

I still remember

Your smile and frown

I’m sorry for the times I let you down

I’ll always love you 

You’ll always love me

But I’ll be good for you, wait and see

Recently my mother went through cancer, and then was given the news that the chemo and radiation would not be able to get rid of it all, and she would need to get transfusions for the rest of her life. The other part is that we don’t know how long she has to live as it is such a rare cancer. Losing my mom seems unfathomable, I hope we have lots more time with her. Our mothers become this symbol and figure that is impossible to replace. For those of you who have already lost your mothers, my heart goes out to you. It has got to be the most challenging loss, most especially if you were young, oh my gosh. All the blessings to your wonderful heart, I hope this song finds a safe home with you.

You had to go 

Yes I know

You were everything, everything, everything

You were everything, everything, everything

You were everything 

Gotta be strong

Time to move on

Don’t want to go home 

Without you there

I know you’re not gone

That feeling is wrong

I’m gonna hang on

Till I see you again

You were everything to me

Written and performed by Rachel Adell

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | You Have It

Song: “You Have It”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Los Angeles 2020

Topic: You have what it takes within

Brave the weather

Far from home

You come untethered

Like a poem

Rise and fall

Pull and sway 

Not lost at all

Feel it beat so heavily

Tension and revelry

Holding space

You gotta breathe

I wrote this song initially in Los Angeles while living through the pandemic, but I was thinking back to when we lived in Montreal. I was experiencing serious postpartum depression in the middle of those 7 month Montreal winters-ehhh. I had intruding thoughts of ending it all. So hard to speak up about these things because you don’t want to be too heavy for anyone, but what I have found from my own experience of speaking up or wishing other people felt safe to speak up, is that it’s always always worth it. All people want is to be there for you. They feel honored you chose them to trust your heart with.

Digging low

Crawling slow

Motion spinning

Storms collide

Instincts alive

You have it in you

Alive and waiting

Hurricane swelling in your bones

Hear what you’re saying

While they throw all their diamond stones

Jump and bolt

Somewhere out there, no hat, no coat

Barefoot prints out in the snow

Naked and so vulnerable

Holding to hope

As the universe unfolds

There is a strong hopeful child inside of you who doesn’t want you to give up. There is always a way forward. Nothing lasts forever.

Some days it may seem freaking beyond possible, but hang on, that relief you’re seeking is just around the corner.

Keep breathing. Tell a trusted friend. Take a break just for you. Align your expectations. Allow yourself to let go. Keep breathing. One deep breath at a time. Ask the universe to help you. You are connected. You are capable. You have so much to look forward to. This will not last forever. You’re going to be okay. Another deep breath. You are going to be okay. You are going to be okay. You are going to be okay.

Standing there

In the falling snow

Head spinning

Storms inside

Your soul’s alive

You have it in you

Written by Rachel Adell and Craig Sayer

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Beautiful

Song: “Isn’t It Beautiful”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Australia 2014

Topic: Slow down

You slow down and see

We moved to Australia right after I had been diagnosed with cancer. The kids were little. Ten and six. Going through chemo and radiation, losing my hair, giving myself shots in the stomach, and trying not to throw up after every meal, was a bit intense. Talk about your world being flipped on its back. If you haven’t been through something massively life threatening before, I’ll give you the spoiler; it’s family. The people closest to you that become your treasures. Everything else falls to the wayside.  

Sun fallin on the floor

Sitting here with me

What do I love more than

Smiling missin’ teeth

Singin’ in my nightgown

A white bird flies by

Her hair is messy

Two clouds in the sky

I wrote this song on a Saturday morning surrounded in my adorable family. I wrote what I saw. Cutest little girl singing with me, her glorious messy hair. Both of us in our night gowns just appreciating the morning sun, the clear sky, and the occasional seagull flying past the window. Stephen making breakfast, Sam dreamily staring into space on the couch. Love them all so much. I became very aware that they were my forever, my everything. My dreams had come true. The little family I had always dreamed of was right there with me.

He’s making breakfast

Pancakes in a pan

Day dreams in a t shirt

Love to watch him stand

My boy is staring into space

No eyes quite like that

Power in his thoughtful gaze

Holding the minutes

Falling through my hands

[They are my] forever and

Everything I have

Written and performed by Rachel Adell

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Dreaming

Song: “Dreaming and Dreaming”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Nashville 2013

Topic: The story of my childhood

This song is a birds eye view of my life span from birth until now.

Saturday morning she came into the world

Right at sunrise this small town girl

In a trailer born near the train tracks

He was yelling she turned her back

I was born during sunrise on Saturday, at home in a trailer in the Wallowa, Oregon mountains. My five year old sister was watching Saturday morning cartoons as mom screamed from the back room. My dad wanted to name me sunrise, but my mom said, “no hippie names,” and she named me Rachel from a bible. Their relationship struggled and my mom left him for the only Dad I knew until I was nineteen years old.

They moved away with another man

He made them his own then he held their hands

Way too perfect standing there in a row

The worst was coming but they didn’t yet know

My step Dad, whom I thought was my real dad, took us under his wing. The amount of photos of me sitting in his lap or falling asleep on his chest, are not few. To say I was a Daddy’s girl was an understatement. I remember nothing but adoring him and longing for his affection. Things were hard, but they were only about to get worse.

It all ended one early morning

Crushing pain holding tight to the dream

Connection drifting night and day

Internal supernova, blown away

3 things I found out in one day that changed me forever

• My dad was moving out 

• He wasn’t my real dad

• He was taking my little sister with him 

So many layers for a seven year old to unpack here. I’m a grown adult , and I’m still sorting it out. The truth is, life is complicated and messy, and our parents are real people. As kids we see them as these perfect super heroes, and so when we feel let down, we think the world has ended. In reality, it has not ended, and there is plenty of your beautiful life to live. There are ways to process and heal from these things, and we can forgive and we can move on, and live out the dreams of our heart. We may have to do it on our terms and a little bit alone at first, but with time we can find the life that has been alive within us from the very beginning.

Seeing truth, when you were blind

Finally seeing reason and rhyme

Going inward finding light

Always here alive, divine

I never believed in God. My mom raised me with the freedom to follow my own heart. She taught me to trust my gut, to find truth for myself. There is no better gift to bestow upon a child, to trust in their own ability to discern. That was the number one benefit of her approach as a mother.

Learning to dive inward and trust your own dreams and imagination is a powerful thing for a person to learn early on. Because believe it or not, everything you have in life now, you first imagined. Often times we feel we need to control the process and outcome when leading a small person along. But common sense tells us that most humans, if given the trust, connection, and freedom they deserve, will arrive at their own beautiful conclusions. There is no need for the mind control that so many try to bestow within and without spiritual settings. True spirituality is a freedom filled power that resides individually within each one of us. Many have been taught not to believe in that, to not trust that, that dreaming and praying is a pathetic pathway to disappointment. Or on the other end of the spectrum, the only way to fix your life. However, after dreaming, asking, imagining, we must study out the actions that will lead us in the right direction. The universe and God will handle the rest. 

I dreamt of my future family, my future life, my future partner. I dreamt of how I wanted it to be, how I wanted it to look. Then I put it in the hands of God and the universe to unfold whatever may come from those imaginations. To this day, so many of my dreams have come true. In small detailed ways I never uttered out loud, and in ways much much bigger than I had in mind. Expressing gratitude is all I really have room for these days. Whatever might be hard in my life, some days I can hardly comprehend that it was my belief is what got me here. 

I’m so freaking grateful. 

Best bet? Trust yourself. Trust your dreams. Trust God and the universe to listen and respond. Even if it’s in a way or on a timeline you weren’t expecting.

Dreaming and Dreaming, Dreaming, Dreaming

Written and performed by Rachel Adell

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Alive

Song: “Alive”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: London 2022

Topic: The miracle of being alive 

Life delivers storms, beauty, and when we’re lucky, rest. If you run and try to avoid the storms, you will rarely catch your breath long enough to enjoy the moments of rest. I want to learn to sit with them, absorb their warmth, so I can carry on with strength through the next storm.

I had a near death experience accompany all three of my children coming to this worl. Welcoming new life in a state of fresh remembrance that life is fragile is daunting, to say the least. I always framed it as a positive, but I realize that I’m fairly traumatized by it all.  Somehow all the difficulties melt away when they wrap their little fingers around yours, or when they fall asleep with their head on your chest.

My kids were very hard to come by. We had a lot of excruciating wait times and tragedies in between. The kids I have, well, they are my miracles. I can hardly believe I have them some days. If you are a woman who has always longed for this, my heart aches for you. My hope is that because it’s so important to you, you will get to experience it in the next life, or you will be granted many opportunities to mother and help mother other children in this life. 

Saw you open your eyes

The day I almost died 

You let out a cry

As I watched you come alive

You’re alive

Baby, you’re alive

You had to hide

Deep down inside

Now you breath and feel 

Cold and warm and real

Night disappears

Hope reappears

Adjusting your eyes

You’re own sunrise

Baby #1) With the first birth of my child, it was a month before his due date, I accidentally drank something that should have put me into cardiac arrest. I was in the emergency room faced with the fact that I could lose my life in minutes or by that evening. Our hands and eyes were locked as we tried to muster the faith. Luckily, I thoughtlessly made myself throw up right after drinking it (the bottle said not to)…but the doctor feels sure that’s what saved my life. I met my baby four weeks later.

Baby #2) Three days after the birth of my daughter, I started to hemorrhage. The doctor said I would lose my life or need to have an emergency hysterectomy within hours if a med she prescribed didn’t work. My gosh, this was a familiar feeling. The medication didn’t work, and I kept bleeding. We had a spiritual experience and a blessing an hour later. The bleeding immediately slowed to a safe level.

Your heavy crown

Weighing you down

Straight lines

Confine the mind

With your guard down

Freedom profound

Realize

You’re alive

Baby #3) The pregnancy with my third was my easiest, I had never felt so strong and healthy. Because I was older, the medical staff took several “precautions” that ended up interfering with the natural birth process, and to be frank, nearly killed me. At one point during labor, after an injection to the chest, I woke up to alarms, an oxygen mask, and my bed upside down. My husband’s face as pale as ever, which told me everything I needed to know. Took me a year to even retell the story of that horrible night. My husband almost lost me again.

(And this was after I had survived cancer)

Child #4) Our fourth child, whom we fostered from age ten to thirteen, passed away three years after leaving our home. This poor kid. He tried so hard with all his challenges and endured so much. After his time with us, he really wanted to return home living near his family and visiting often was all he every wanted, and cried for at least weekly when he was with us. How sad to have lost his life when he was on such a good trajectory, seemingly happy, and doing so well. This is a tragedy I will never heal from, and will forever be traumatized by. If this has happened to you, I am completely open to how you have been able to move forward. What an unexplainable bomb in the chest.

One thing I have learned through this heartache is that life is precious, life is fleeting. You never know what’s going to happen next. Sweating the small stuff is not something you’ll applaud yourself for on your death bed. The people who are alive and in your life right now? Let them know how important they are to you. Bask in their presence, appreciate their laugh and record their voice.

Then look in the mirror, and remember, that you’re alive too. Sometimes it feels ‘off’ to be grateful to be alive when so many have lost their lives. Is it insensitive to try and be happy? At first it might feel that way, but one day you realize that your misery is not going to do them any favors. It most certainly won’t bring them back. It’s probably not doing you, or the people depending on you any favors either. We have very little control in this life. You don’t have to understand why they had to go, and you don’t have to continue to carry the responsibility. All we can do is take the time we do have, and lift each other up.

Pick up your feet

Shed what’s heavy

Wave goodbye

You let it fly

Praying to thank

That you are here today

This is real

You’re alive 

Written and Performed by Rachel Adell

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Hold On

Song: “Hold On”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Spanish Fork 2012

Topic: Looking for light during the darkest hours

The inspiration for this came during my separation from Stephen during our twelfth year of marriage. It was such a hard time, and I remember trembling each and every day for four months. Learning to state my needs, let alone stand up for them in a way that affected everyone around me, most especially my children, was an enormous part of me coming into my own. 

Over the last decade since I wrote this song, we have been though so many difficult things together. This is a song that I wrote during a hard moment without recognizing how many future moments it would get me through. I hope it gets you through some of yours. This song definitely fits the reoccurring theme throughout this album is that the storm will end and the sun will rise again. Hold on Rachel, relief is around the corner.

The tunnel is long, full of the unknown

There is no light, can’t find my way home

Crumbling I melt, losing all sense of self

So lost and blind, folding all inside my mind

I only see red, inside of my miserable head

I wanna be free, why’s it so out of reach

Hold on, Again

Glimmering light interrupts, 

I don’t wanna give up

Where’s that compass come from, 

Big mystery from above

Though I’m lost at night, 

Gonna keep lookin’ for light

Hold on 

Lookin’ for light

Hold on

Hold on

Lookin’ for light

Hold on 

Keep lookin’ for light

Written and performed by Rachel Adell

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Where We Go

Song: “Where We Go”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Spanish Fork 2011 originally titled “Wind and a Cloud”

Topic: The balance, flow, and adventure within a relationship

You are the wind outside my window

Wanna be close to you 

Look at me now, I am a cloud

Open up and let me out

Some of you who have been following my music over the years will know this song as “Wind and a Cloud” as it is a love song about the ever dynamic relationship between (surprise) the wind and a cloud. It dawned on me years after writing it that the inspiration was three fold. I got the idea when we lived in a particularly windy canyon which had 70mph winds on a pretty frequent basis. The clouds seemed to love it, and always looked so playful to me. Then it occurred to me that Stephen and I were a lot like these elements. We have a lot of fun taking turns and switching back and forth between being the wind and the cloud.

All you have is what I don’t 

All you lack is what I know

Driving the balance and the flow

We ride the high and lows

“Driving the balance and the flow”

When you lean into partnership this way, you can paint a rather beautiful tapestry of memories.

The second part of the inspiration I never realized until later is from a Russian song we sang in choir that is etched so deeply on my heart. Quite possibly the most powerful song we ever sang back then. And it was about a cliff and a cloud, and it moved me to tears every time. So powerful. Notcha vola touchka. Some things just stay in there and rearrange within you as you grow and experience life and come out in different, but similar ways. 

The third thing that dawned on me as I put an old St Pepper’s record, the hole in the attic??? Like hello, “fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering” is a similar concept to me floating out the window and turning into a cloud to go have some fun with the wind. Pretty cool. I am happy to be influenced by these pieces, even if unknowingly.

We go where we go

Songs may seem like they come from one place, but often times it’s a life time of experiences that make up one concept or musical statement.  I love leaning into the exhilaration of growth and change. To keep on living being moved by art and music and experience is a beautiful blessing, one I hope I never take for granted.

Things are hard, higher we climb

Sun creates a silver line 

Spinning and twisting into change

Travel between night and day

Written and Performed by Rachel Adell

Strings by Justina McHale

Produced by Craig Sayer

Saturday Sunrise | The Album

My new album, Saturday Sunrise, is finally born after a decade of challenges and miracles.

“Hold to hope, as the universe unfolds”

Named after the day I was born, which consequently happened in a trailer during the sunrise and Saturday morning cartoons. The perfect welcome party if you ask me. My older sister was in the next room for the whole event. Though miraculous in nature, I can’t help but imagine how inconvenient it must have felt to have your Looney Tunes interrupted by an actual live birth. I don’t mean to laugh.

“Dreaming and Dreaming” is about our family life breaking up. We all go through something, these foundation shaking life events, and they rock our worlds. Just as my little girl arms clung around my Dad’s waist wishing our family could stay together, we all cling to hope and a dream. And if we keep hoping and holding on to hope, I still believe our dreams will eventually be realized. My childhood family never got back together, like I had always obsessively hoped while watching Parent Trap on repeat as a kid. But my dream did come true when my own little family was realized. I wrote “Isn’t it Beautiful” on a Saturday morning (oddly enough) in them middle of the cancer chapter. That song wrote itself as I looked around the room and merely stated the miracle of the moment. I wanted to slow down and freeze time. These precious little people during that sweet, calm moment are now galvanized in that song.

When I released Unpainting Roses back in 2011, my kids were wee babes. We lived in Santa Monica, Los Angeles, California, though I recorded at my producers house in Compton. Yes, little white girl with an acoustic guitar stepping out of her Prius got some pretty unbelievable 2am stares. But what can you do but dorkily smile and wave? Streaming music wasn’t a thing yet, people were still buying CDs and only starting to buy tracks from itunes. Just as the new format of music was trying to find itself, I was as well. That album was a journal that worked towards first admitting there was a facade, and then second, that the facade had to come down. The process was abstract, collosel, crazy honest, and hello painful. Honest lyrics set to upbeat tunes could not have represented me in a more concise way. This album was a big step towards standing in the sunlight of my own discomfort, I tell you what. The sound would cause confusion, questions, and discomfort. Mission accomplished. Now you know how I have felt every minute of my days. It’s a dissonance I was prepared to live with, and still live with to this day. However, the experience has helped me become more familiar with the benefits of discomfort. Growth is never born out of cupcakes and feather pillows. Stepping out of old skin is cold, and leaves you raw.

“Bursting bubbles all were popping”

One month later an entirely new album fell out, Saturday Sunrise. (Though ofcourse the name switched from Butterfly Catcher to Warrior to 1978 Sunrise to Saturday Sunrise as it morphed into exactly what it wanted to become). Throughout the following years trying to release, I experienced innumerable trials. Walking through more unbelievable life stories which turned into songs that became apart of this album, and our family life. Songs like, “Hold On” and “Everything” helped heal us along the way. Not being able to release this to the world for this long, though painful, might have been entirely necessary. Sitting with work and allowing it to prove itself through the test of time was an unparalled experience. I don’t recommened it, per se, but if that’s how it had to be this time, I am feeling the value. Five songs have remained from the original album, five new ones from the Covid 19 pandemic found a home with them as well. Two halves of myself comforting and cheering on the other.

As a creator and dreamer, things can get quite lonely. Where my lonely creators at? I was surrounded in people who didn’t understand me, and therefore didn’t know how to support me. To be honest, I didn’t know how to tell them to support me. When covid hit and everything went online, I stumbled upon my tribe. My music and creative life have not been the same since. The comrodery, the collaborations, the inspiration, the sensitivity, and depth of these souls. I barely know how to take it all in. Now that we are out and about, I’ve been able to meet many of these people in person. Look them in the eyes and feel their power and passion. There is something about songwriters and idependent musicicans. They’re self-fueled, they’re not playing by the rules, they’re following their heart, and most likely doing it all while going broke. Even if their work is just a drop in the bucket, they are fulfilled. Even if they only get one comment in ten years that says their music saved someone’s life, improved their day, or changed their perspective, that is enough manna to keep going for several more years of music. I have learned and gained so much from these gorgeous artists. See what you can do about getting yourself a tribe, because I’m telling you. Wow.

Bathroom Concert Series, Los Angeles, 2019

As a random impulse I started The Bathroom Concert series right before the pandemic hit. Guess what’s fun? The first song I wrote for bathroom concert series made the album cut! Haha! “Who Loves You” was a song that wrote itself a day before Valentine’s Day. I had all my dear friends in mind. Some of them were hurting on Valentines’s day and I wanted them to know that they always have someone who loves them. “It’s me, who loves you.” That holiday can really hurt for some people who have lost their loved ones, or who are still looking for their loved ones. Holidays mean well, but when you have been through it, they can be really triggering too.

When and where the SONGS WERE BORN…

1) Where We Go, Spanish Fork, 2012 (Wind and a Cloud)

2) Dreaming and Dreaming, Nashville, 2013 and BC, 2016 (Sunrise)

3) Isn’t It Beautiful, Australia, 2014 ~cancer days (Saturdays)

4) Hold On, Spanish Fork, 2011

5) You Have It, Los Angeles, 2020

6) Everything, Santa Monica 2011 (You Had to Go)

7) Who Loves You, Los Angeles, 2019 (bathroom concert series)

8) Okay, London, 2022

9) Found Me, Los Angeles 2021

10) Alive, London 2022

Craig Sayer | musiscian, composer, producer

Then Craig Sayer entered the picture and boosted the magic to new heights. In addition to my own composition, I gave him a rough idea of my references for particular songs here and there, Radiohead, London Grammar, Aurora, Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam, and even a song from Raising Sand, Robert Plant and Allison Krauses’ album (that coincidentally shares the same mastering company as my first album, Lurssen Mastering). Craig’s musicality and instincts run deep. Most every time he sent me back his interpretation of my compositions, tears welled up. What a blessing to find someone who just gets it. The loud rumbling of the drums, bass, and gritty guitars coupled with the expressionate string and piano moments? My vocals could easily rest on a familiar bed of sounds that had been rolling around in my head for years. So much honor and gratitude to have had the opportunity to work with Craig. He was patient, professional, and flexible when I experienced inevitable emotional lows and highs throughout the creation of this project. He stuck with me, and for that I am grateful.

After sitting back and taking a look at this body of work from a birds eye view, I realize this abum really is about hope. That divine spark that keeps you getting out of a bed and leaning into your dreams. “Hold to hope, as the universe unfolds,” is a lyric from “You Have It”. And I realized, that’s it. That’s what this album is about, and that’s the message that has always been trying to reveal itself from the beginning. I feel like an excited little kid that this project is done and ready to be yours! That something real, comforting, and long lasting came from unbelievable pain and uncertaintly. Rachel, do not give up, you will grow, you will learn, you will gain wisdom through this. Something beautiful will come out of it, do not lose hope, keep going! Face your storms, then run into them. Get through them quickly, so you can enjoy the calm, watered meadow on the other side.

Australia 2014

Starting during the covid chapter and throughout the making of this album, I have spent my time learning production. There is nothing quite as satisfying as creating and composing sounds that you have in your head, without needing to explain them with inadequte language. You can hope to find someone like Craig to understand and listen (rare) but when you just need to get the music out, there is something incredibly magical about being able to create the sounds yourself. My next, next album is already sketched, now I just need to fill in with my dream musicans and we’ll be golden! If you are an independent musician, I highly recommend you learn how to create music within Logic, ProTools, or Ableton. Kris Bradley is a good resource for anyone looking into a straight forward way to learn production. No more taking direction or guidance for “how it’s done” and “how you should sound.” How ‘bout you decide yourself, yeah? It’s not as complicated as they make it sound, promise.

Over the last few years I’ve put my music in front of panelists in the music industry, ready to have it torn to shreds. Putting your vulnerability on the line for professional feedback in front of peers is a terrifying experience. Geesh. Much to my surprise, the feedback was amazing. (I mean, only 1 out of 10 didn’t get it). Not what I expected at all. When I presented my split personality within the music scene, that was especially scary. Yes, because it’s not always fun to admit that you are kind of two people, because also because the industry’s main preach is to “stay in your lane.” I mean, my lane is a two headed monster. These heads being compared to the likes of darker Norah Jones with a darkness on one side, and Cherry Bomb Runaways on the other. What’s a girl to do? Choose one and cut off the other? Not to be rebellious, but I couldn’t do it. So I stayed me, both of me. And how incredibly shocking when they loved it?! “Oddly enough, this works!” and “Keep after the unique instrument combinations in your rock sets,” and “You are very talented, I want to work you,” while handing me their card?! Ugh! *faint* Has taken me many moons to process. Have I fully processed?

After Saturday Sunrise, which is more on the dreamy chill side, you can expect the other side to rear it’s head. Female empowerment all the way, Mama. So many projects are bottlenecked, and now that I’m here, the flood gates are finally about to swing open. Weeeeeeeeee!

Because I know you’re always wondering, and because now I know how to show people what we musicians need…

HERE ARE THE BEST WAYS FANS CAN SUPPORT INDIE ARTISTS:

1) Get a Spotify account

2) Follow, Like, Subscribe, Share, Stream

3) Comment and engage on their social media posts

4) Subscribe to their emails

5) Buy their merch

6) Ask how to drop a tip

7) When you do share, add how it made you felt, what your favorite song was, what lyric made you feel validated

8) Tell the artist they made an impact on you, this is the entire reason they do what they do

Rachel Adell on Spotify

Stay tuned for the back stories and development of each song. From Santa Monica to Spanish Fork to Nashville to Australia to British Columbia to Montreal to India to Los Angeles to London. Near death experiences, cancer, having another baby, a pandemic, and an additional tragedy all creating a breeding ground for art forming and growing out of tremendous fear and pain.

I hope this abum provides you a place to sit , a place to feel, a place to be. A moment to remember all you’ve endured and survived. A place to be strengthened by the fact that you have what it takes to handle and conquer your storms. The sun will rise again.

Love,

Rachel

Back to You

Get back to you

Real real you

The center of you

Outside voices

Wash the brain blue

Who benefits?

I wonder,

A blunder

Pulls under

Louder you get

Ears grow red

Simmer down

The loud sounds

No more victim

Thoughts with diction

Get to work

On that Pearl

Quiet internal

Changes the world

Get back to you

Image slows

Heart flows

Keep truth close

The soul knows

What You Don’t See

“Blindfold” | photo by Jackie Leishman

This is the most important post from the cancer blog I kept in 2014, while I was receiving cancer treatments in Australia. If you, or anyone you know, is going through cancer, please feel free to share. I hope my experience offers some comfort and validation to those navigating the intestity of a cancer diagnosis. Dedicating this to the friends who are undergoing treatment or who have recently recieved the frightening news.

~some updates and edits were made from the original

……..

I don’t share everything. On facebook. On instagram. Not even on this blog. I do share a lot, but it's important for me to disconnect and remind myself what my life was like before we were all instantly connected. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a major fan of facebook and most social media because I love keeping up with my friends and family. BUT, I also believe in standing right here and using all of my senses to be present. 

I realized I was falling victim to the habit of grabbing my phone when I couldn’t sleep at night. Or pulling out the laptop and watching something with the hubby instead of catching up and actually looking at his face. So, I moved everything out to the living room. When I go to bed, my phone and laptop go to their bed too. No working, no writing, no connecting, no fall back distractions. Remember what that was like? Pretty much fantastic. Alive, real, organic, present, here, now, eyes, laughing, telling jokes and talking until we fell asleep all diagnol-like on the bed. THE best. 

The other reason I don't share everything all the time is that it's hard for me to relive my misery with others. Most especially when I’m going through it. It feels multiplied somehow. I tend to update people after things have happened and I've had a chance to catch my breath and get over it. (I must insert here that I don’t think it's bad to be able to talk about misery publicly while you're in it. In fact, it’s bold, brave and selfless. There be can so much benefit to you and others if this method works for you). But for me, when hardships hit, I need to focus. It takes everything I have to get through it. All day praying, and holding my husband. Not just his hand. Picture a koala bear. 

When you hear from me, it means I’m coming up for a breath of air between treatments. So far, I’ve been able to keep a fairly positive perspective, but I owe so much of that to the most incredible companion, plus tons of prayer. Not to mention awesome children, extended family, and world-class caring, wise empathetic friends. My people. (Have I ever mentioned this? Maybe once or eighty times). I’m sure people can find joy and positivity without these things, but I tell you what, they are everything for me.

What’s happening when I am seemingly quiet? 

You mean those times when I find myself having a panic attack walking down a corridor away from yelling medical personnel? Only to find myself collapsed with an oxygen mask over my face unable to find answers to simple questions like, “Where are you?" Or, day after day staring straight ahead for hours on end because it’s all I can do to keep myself from throwing up. The beautiful but inescapably depressing room where I sit with much older men and women, while the chemo is administered. The pain and stabbing in my chest from the pressure and pulling from this alien port trapped in my chest. The unsightly scars on the thinnest skin of my body that will be there as a reminder for the rest of my life. The random, sharp, long lasting pains that have put me in the emergency room more times than I care to count. The soreness in my mouth that seems to flare up on the weeks I am finally feeling well enough to eat. The off and on painful swelling of my tummy that makes it hard to button jeans, and so on. Having a bald head is nothing compared to the weight of everything else. Taking notice of little happy things, or finding tiny roots to grab ahold of when you’re crawling through a storm are when you discover the remarkable mercies of life. 

But I don’t want to fool anyone into believing that cancer hasn’t been an insane struggle. This experience has left no box unchecked. Every single part of your psyche, spirituality, physical body and emotions gets a crash course overhaul. And just like the house that gets gutted and torn apart, the process is not pretty. It’s a horrifying mess instead. But who doesn't need a good remodel every now and then? There are so many attributes I’ve been dying to grab ahold of  for years, without much luck, so maybe now’s my chance. I’ve always wanted to be more nurturing, more thoughtful, more confident, more compassionate, more aware, and more grounded. Thanks to cancer and her wrecking ball for clearing the path for just about every one of those areas! Seven full swings. One more to go. BOOM! 

I should be as good as new after two weeks of radiation. Many people have given me props for my positive attitude. Thank you for that, but not everyone has the awesome set up I do. I would hate for my attitude to reflect how you think anyone needs to behave to have a better experience. If you find yourself in this dreaded situation, you need to give yourself grace to ride the emotional wave, you do not need extra pressure of being positive to make everyone else comfortable. 

In addition to the great set up I mentioned earlier, I have one of the most treatable cancers. I also happen to be an old pro with nausea and physical ailments. Pregnant much? And I promise you, even in my situation, words can't tell you how difficult this has been. If you would like to comfort someone going through cancer, I would not recommend telling them to have a positive attitude.

Try to realize that the thirty-thousand other feelings blasting through them simultaneously need to be considered, validated, and processed most of all. When I was in the emergency room with sharp pains in my kidney after I was first diagnosed, a younger medical staff told me, “It really is all about attitude. You just have to have a positive outlook.” I recognized this as a well meaning effort to usher the elephant out of the room, so what I couldn't respond with was, "How does that make this all better? How does that make me not die? How does that comfort my children who may loose their Mom? And look over here at my husband who is standing in the lonely street hoping the lights won’t go out." Sometimes we fail to realize that when we want to comfort a person in mass distress, we need to allow them to feel however they are feeling at the time, and leave our discomfort out of the conversation.

You don't have to understand it, you don't have to make it better. You simply need to be there. Your presence alone offers the best thing during this dark time; hope. You could express how much faith you have in them, how much you love them. You could say something as simple as, “Wow, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling," and that would be absolutely perfect. And true. Because the invisible-to-the-eye wrecking ball crashing through the other person at unrelenting strength and speed cannot be understood unless you have gone through it. And besides, we are all in a different space and a different state of mind when bad news decides to come knocking. Sometimes we're on our game and sometimes we're not. I say we forgive ourselves and others, and just aim to accept what is, and move through it as best we can. 

I'm all about blue skies and rainbows, bring it on. But there is necessity and beauty in allowing yourself and others to thoroughly move through painful experiences, however they need to, with honesty and integrity. Because then, the sunshine of life will become all the more spectacular.

Love,

Rachel Adell

The Elephant in the Room

 *In honour of Women’s History Month, I’d like to share post I made awhile back on Instagram. There are still many industries discriminating against women, and the music industry is not the least of them. Fans can also make hurtful comments without realizing. (Some changes and embellishments were made for this blog post).

Let’s talk about The Elephant in the room...
But first? No matter what you’ve been told your limitations are, I’m encouraging you to QUESTION THAT. If it feels like a bunch of bologna, here’s your permission to candidly rebel and crush old lame standards and limitations.

Introducing the elephant that has been in the room wherever I go...

“Why are you still pursuing music and trying to ‘make it’ at your age?

Or other comments veiled under fake compliments, “Wow, you’re so brave to put yourself out there, are you happy with the results of your work?” or “Would it be more lucritive to write for other artists” or “Were you hoping to tour and become famous?” or “Wow, I would not expect that, what made you decide to do that?”

Then more focused within the industry…

“I can make this pretty, you don’t need the drums” or “Are you sure you want electric guitar there?” or in response to me wanting to tour a studio, “What’s your purpose in being here?” or my favorite, just complete silence. Ignoring or disrespecting me by talking or yelling over my sets, but then demanding everyone be silent for theirs. Or one time when I won a competittion, another competitor was surprised that he lost to me and put up the biggest stink, not taking a moment to consider how his words would make me feel. He made it clear that he didn’t think I was good enough to lose to him.

But back to…“Why are you still pursuing music and trying to ‘make it’ at your age?”

MY ANSWER:

Well, let us break that down shall we?

1. I’m just as guilty of doubting myself, but let’s be real, this is both an ageist and sexist question.

2. I am not trying to “make it” I’m already making it. Music. That’s what I’m making.

3. Music doesn’t leave your soul once you get a wrinkle or two.

4. Because I want to and I like it. I’m awesome.

5. Age has nothing to do with it, except for the fact that the older I get, the bolder I get. So best to settle in and get used to it. More women are coming. Watch out, honey baby sugar pie.

Also...

* I’m learning to produce to go beyond safe and pretty

* Girls need more bad ace older female role models. Life does not end after 25, that is dumb sexist thinking that implies women can only do music if they’re sexy

* I started my own music company (CANDID CRUSH RECORDS) so I could collaborate and create all kinds of music with and for like minded musicians. I love being independent and I intend to empower and encourage all my collaborators to do the same!

And there’s the big beautiful wrinkly elephant in my room 🐘 That’s why my logo for Candid Crush Records is an elephant. No need to excuse her, instead, my girl is gonna be empowered.

She’s already crushing it.

I want to empower you too! Tell me what creative endeavors you are diving into these days, or that you’re dreaming of diving into. You deserve to live out your dreams. Let’s do this!

Love,

Rachel Adell

Do You Long For More?

incomplete heart | midjourney design by Rachel

Do You Long For More?

More depth and connection please.

Thank you for joining me away from social media! I’m so super committed to creating an authentic place away from the endless scrolling of social media. If you’re anything like me, that stuff is draining. Talk about information overload. (And not even necessarily good, complete, or true information, right)? I think our brains are short circuiting, because anxiety related diagnosis’s have shot way up since the land of social media started colonizing. I think we long for more, something more in depth, something that little blips of half information just can’t give us. 

There’s a new need, a new direction we’re headed in. A grounded, gritty, real, connected life force that I think we all long to be a part of. Relating on a more personal level, in our own way (not in the way of algorithms) will be what gives us the most authentic experience online. 

Though my songs and poetry and lyrics get pretty personal, they don’t tell the whole story. I feel the need to tell you tmore of the story. It’s not always pretty. It would look terrible in a magazine or on pinterest. Instagram would fly right past it. But it’s the honest stuff, you know.

I don’t take you for granted. You’re more than a follow and a like. You’re human, and you’re real, and you need more. I want to be a part of that process to make sure you get what you need.

Trying to commit to sending weekly Wednesday Wonderful emails, and if you used to get those, you know I’m all about sending the love and encouragement! I want to break up the mundane world of way too many boring business emails and make you feel downright amazing about your life. 

My main goal and purpose will be to remind you how absolutely fantastic, unique, and special you are. Your story matters, your heart matters, that call to do that next thing matters. Let’s keep you headed in the direction you want to be going!

Love,

Rachel Adell

Slowing Down Time

Spinning my wheels used to be my full time job. All the ideas and going nowhere. Because all the things.

Over the last few years, I discovered this thing called commitment to my own life. Deciding for myself what I really want out of this life, was a game changer. This new and simple mindset settled me down and brought me a level of peace and fulfillment I had never felt before.  Instead of falling victim to commitments, inner-voice expectations, mindless time leaks, being overly independent, innocent distractions, hustle, and other people’s agenda, I am better at evaluating if it already fits into what I have planned to do with my life. 

Do any of these things ring a bell for you?

Too many commitments can be a royal disaster. When you’re spread too thin, almost everything you do is diluted. How can we stop ourselves from the over commitment game? Let’s identify how we got ourselves there in the first place. Though not exhaustive, here’s a list of things that hook me…

1) SAYING ‘YES’ ONE TOO MANY TIMES. When we make a clear commitment to ourselves and our goals before life starts steam rolling, we can better sort out when to say yes and when to say no. If you have filled in your calendar with what you’ve decided are the absolutes in your own life, you will be able to honestly say you are unavailable to requests for your time. Do not say yes to someone else’s whim or invite merely because you love them. Your life, time, and plans are precious, treat them that way. Check your calendar for a time that would not put you out, or move your priorities or sanity to the side, and ask if they are available then. And only then. 

2) FEAR OF MISSING OUT. Geese, we all have this at one point or another. But here’s an idea, try to have FOMO on your own life. It does a pretty delightful flip on your perspective. The moment you recognize that the longing to be involved in every last thing strains what you hold most dear, saying no becomes much easier. I have so many projects on hold, while I finish this album. It can be painful, and really puts my discipline and focus to the test. Song ideas come, amazing collaborations come my way, and other things outside of music call for my attention all day long. But I have a personal to do list that relates to me meeting my own goals by certain dates, and I remind myself that finishing those will add meaning to all future projects. But without focus, everything just becomes a hustle of scattered diluted projects and opportunities. There is a time and a place for hustle, but decide what your vision is, before you get pulled in every direction.

3) BEING MULTI-PASSIONATE is a thing. This is not inherently bad, but it can get you into trouble if you don’t create a short term and long term schedule. I have plans to write two books (already outlined), and several children’s books outlined and sketched as well. But they must stay that way, until I’m through with my ‘right now’ goals. Every now and then an idea pops into my head, and I allow myself to add it to my documents. But that is all, no expanding. Again, it’s painful, but the joy that comes from forward momentum in my current projects keeps me in a peaceful place.

4) THE NEED TO PLEASE OTHERS. Is there something really wrong with this? After all, doesn’t it convey what an innately loving creature you are? Actually, it does. However, the truth is, the people you love, love you too. They want what’s best for you, and trust that you will be honest with them if you are stretching beyond your limits. Think about it, when you ask for something whether big or small, would you ever in a million years want them to say yes if it strained or inconvenienced them? No way. But if it’s just the word “No” that’s hard for you, here are a few ways to soften the blow…

• Start with positive, “That sounds amazing” or “I would so love to do that”

• Then say “I wish I was available” “I hope I can do something with you soon”

• Then you could finish by saying, “Please don’t hesitate to ask again” or “I will let you know if anything changes”

Inner voices and all those lofty expectations can be another effective de-railer from a peaceful life. And they can come from so many different directions too. Ourselves, parents, friends, teachers, church, or even something as general and grand as societal norms. What’s really great about this life though, is that no matter what, we still have the power to decide what takes space in our own minds. Others may be trickier residents to get rid of, but the effort, however longterm is worth the effort. No, you don’t need to sign your kids up for ever extra curricular to be a good parent. You can still be a successful student, friend, mother, or father, even if you are unable to attend every single activity. You don’t need to have a double major, or have a high paying job, or be multi-lingual to be a successful person. You don’t need a perfect body, a perfect home, or a sweet ride to be a complete person either. What’s beautiful, is that you get to tap into your own intuition and decide which inner voices bring you the most fulfillment. Be sure to double check on your own expectations for yourself too though. Are they realistic? Do they bring you true peace? Do you have time for them? Yes? Okay, then you can trust yourself.

Mindless time leaks are absolutely everywhere these days, and most of them are in the palm of your hand. When I get on my phone for something related to my goals, I’m invaded by a myriad of distractions. Some, though legitimate, seem to steal my attention away at inconvenient times. Others seem urgent, so I can’t help but check. Without a plan and focus, it is very easy for me to take a nose dive down a series of rabbit holes. Let’s not also forget the mysterious automatic thumb clicks? What in the heck? I hate those. And often times these a-holes take up anywhere between 15 minutes and 3 hours. Think of it, if you had a way to avoid mindless time leaks, you might stand to gain an extra day every week! Four days a month! 48 per year? That’s no joke. Almost an extra two months a year. Though I haven’t been diagnosed, all signs lead to ADHD before screens could be held in my hand, so the struggle is alive and kicking. Because I long for control, focus, and peace in my life, I have spent hours trying to manage the interruptions. Here are a few of my own little hacks that seem to help…

• When working, turn phone face down or go and plug it in

• Only have notifications on for immediate family

• Check email a couple times a day, and texts a few times a day

• No buzzing for any notifications ever

• When phone is on, only have sounds for texts, everything else visual

• Before opening phone, try to be mindful and focused on why you picked it up, stick to that

• Put automatic thumb click apps in hard to find places 

• Laptop has zero incoming notifications, save for necessary software updates, etc

• Assign specific time(s) to check social media, in order to not be stuck checking all day

Not accepting help is a classic American move. You may not realize, but even third world countries are better at allowing experts, friends, and family to help out than we are. That independent blood tells us to take pride in doing everything on our own. Sure, we may save a little money, but my gosh, do we waste a lot of our own time. Once I realized that 70% of my time was spent cleaning and keeping up on household duties, it became a no brainer to hire someone to come and do the heavy cleaning for us. Suddenly I had freed up hours and hours of time to work on my dreams. When someone offers you help, and you say no because you know you can do it, maybe consider instead the time, energy, and effort it will take you. There is no shame when you respect the precious time you have left on this earth to go for your dreams. And in the end, you are either allowing someone the opportunity to serve, which always brings the warm fuzzies, or you’re providing someone with paid work. Take pride in being more mindful with your time, and feel humble about the beauty of allowing others to help. If you’re still not convinced, just try it once. Just once. Identify how it affected your time and energy, and then get back to me. 

Innocent Distractions are for the most part, out of your control. How you move out and on from them is up to you. Someone knocks on the door, someone comes up to your desk, there’s a fender bender outside, the power goes out, a bird will not stop singing, a baby wakes up early from their nap. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes you can quickly tend to the situation, and get right back to work. Aside from emergencies, which understandably stop everything, there are those that are in between. The ones that are sticky to walk away from. The coworker that wants to chat, the family member that wants to ask a question every other minute, an aggressive door salesman cannot take the hint. The answer: get better at setting up boundaries beforehand. No soliciting signs help, and so does asking your people if they need anything right now, because you will be unavailable for the next two to three hours. When people know your availability, they tend to respect it. Unless of course, they are children. Then, I have no answers for you, and I’m all ears. Haha.

Addiction to hustling we hoped would have slowly gone out of style with the pandemic. But alas, the type A’s and extroverts of the world have only been storing up their energy for a level of hustling like we’ve never seen before. When moving fast, and doing way too much to be human in one day becomes a bit of a societal norm, things start to spin out of control and fall apart. Stress and anxiety tend to rule just about every interaction. So at the end of the day, ask yourself, “Is it more important to me to have checked off an enormously long checklist, or is it more important to me that I smiled, made someone laugh, made eye contact, and experienced a flavour, a scent, or something beautiful in a new way?” Taking the time to figure out how we want to be living really helps when it’s time to start putting things in the calendar. There will be an odd feeling as you transition out of this fast pace lifestyle, as you may feel very alone at first. But then, in your bliss, you realize that you have a new responsibility to entice others to do the same. My favorite is the make a stranger stop in their tracks because I give them a compliment, or make an inappropriate joke. Before our interaction, they were straight-faced racing to the next item on their list. Joy can’t describe how healing it is to witness another human let loose for a minute and laugh. 

And speaking of type A’s and extroverts…

Other People’s Agendas can be the hardest to avoid. “Sign up for this, attend this, be interviewed for that, take a survey, leave a review, unsubscribe, oh but we miss you come back, receive these thousands of coupons or invites you didn’t ask for, join this book club, attend every birthday, baby shower, wedding, and church activity that ever was” or run the risk of being a first class life drop out. Congratulations to me and whoever else is happy to miss out on most all the things in order to live the kind of peaceful life we want. It’s even okay if you have to miss a family reunion or two to save your sanity. The only agenda that should be running your life, is your own agenda. Other people’s agendas may not line up with yours, and that’s okay. Many of the people that volunteer to run these things are inviting you to be inclusive. There is never a requirement to attend anything that you don’t have time for, or just plain drives you mad. You can still love someone and maintain a healthy connection regardless of what you can and cannot attend. No one needs to know your reason. Remember, “that sounds amazing, I wish I was available then, I will let you know if anything changes,” are lovely ways to let the person know you care about them, even if you can’t make it. 

Bottom line; you deserve to feel happiness, peace, joy, and fulfillment in this life. Your dreams are worth becoming real. When you shift your mindset and life around commitments, expectations, time management, and distractions to revolve around what you really want out of this life, peace and fulfillment will be yours for the enjoying.

Love,

Rachel Adell

True Story

“Poised-ish” | Midjourney design by Rachel Adell

Sometimes my story is hard for people to believe. Attempting to quickly explain is kin to a laffy taffy tongue tied merry go round.

I’ll go ahead an apologize up front for the landmines that come with no further explanation. As I grow and develop my online presence, and eventually maybe write a book (?) I promise, you’ll get all the fun juicy, and complete tid bits.

When writing journals, poetry, singing, creating songs, and developing spiritual practice through all of this, I’ve fortunately been able to rearrange my pain and lift myself out of some droopy dark places. Finding ways to release pain and express your heart is essential to feeling light and capable. My passion for keeping the arts alive in society is personal. Art and music quite literally saved my life.

Here goes…

I'm a cancer surviving, singer songwriter, producer, founder of Candid Crush Records, LLC, mother of three, and have lived in five states and five countries.

I was born and raised in the Pacific Northwest in the United States, with my parents and two sisters. When I was seven years old, I found out that my parents were getting a divorce, my father was taking my little sister with him, and he was not my real father. I lived alone with my mother for nine years. We did struggle in a lot of ways, but she made some life changes that really helped things heal and move forward.

My mother thoughtfully kept my biological father out of my life. We finally connected over the phone when I was nineteen. Though things did not transition into a heart warming cozy father/daughter relationship, one of our most interesting connections is that he also writes songs and plays guitar.

I was atheist/agnostic and despised religion my entire upbringing. That is, until I heard a quote from a holocaust victim in history class. The message of pure faith pierced my heart, and I was changed forever. After that, instead of disregarding people of faith, I decided to learn everything I could about every religion. My purpose wasn't to become affiliated, my intention was to learn what millions of other people were participating in around the world. As a result, my perspective was blown wide open. What I learned taught me to question my own thoughts and explore my prejudices. Listening to and absorbing what other people believe, became my new passion. Islam, Confucianism, and Hinduism were some of my most beautiful surprises. I saved Christianity for last. So many interesting long stories to come.

“Waking” | Midjourney design by Rachel Adell

My husband and I knew of each other in middle school, then officially met as juniors in high school. All thanks to our school counselor, who assigned us to lead a presentation together at a retreat. After a ten hour conversation, we both knew we had met our future spouse. We dated for eight months and remained friends for five years after we broke up. The truth is, we never lost feelings for each other. After our feelings were finally confessed again, we decided to get hitched. Though we have an adorable origin story, marriage was not always breezy for us. Both of us having dynamic, passionate personalities, made it challenging to meet in the middle. We were got a seapration at year twelve. Luckily marriage counseling helped us see some wild things about ourselve, that we never would have been able to figure out on our own. Happy to say we’re still plugging along, some twenty odd years later.

“Moon dance” | Midjourney design by Rachel Adell

Pregnancy was not fun. In addition to throwing up eight times a day on average, I had a near death experience with each child. At eight months gestation with my first, I accidentally drank etching cream. Fortunately I made myself throw up otherwise I would have died of cardiac arrest that very day. Being home for a few days after my second was born, I began to hemorrhage. The doctor said I would lose my uterus or my life that night if the medication she prescribed didn't work. The medication didn't work. Instead of calling her back, I asked for a priesthood blessing. Only then did the bleeding finally start to slow. With my third, it was during labor that some scary things happened, and I may need to save the details for another day, because well, I almost died in labor, and it was because of over care. However, worse than that was the postpartum depression that I did not get with my first two. (This is more common than you realize, so please watch for the signs in your loved ones up to a year after baby is born. Hormones dips are no joke, I was genuinely contemplating ending things).

These experiences, along with my 2014 Hodgkins Lymphoma diagnosis, brought me to my knees. Sometimes you make superficial choices to impress yourself, until life decides to knock your face to the ground. I needed three near death experiences to realize how much of my time was being spent on meaningless shenanigans. What I learned is that nothing means anything except your people. Your family. The big people, the small people, the neighbours, whoever it is. I'm telling you; the rest of it disappears into outer space when you are faced with your own death.

“Hold On” | Still from music video | Australia

The most important highlight of my life has been turning my tumultuous childhood into something beautiful. Into art, but mostly…my very own family. A family the way I wanted to build a family. Things haven’t turned out exactly as I imagined, but I could not be more content and fulfilled with the children I have raised and the man I married. We have created the most outlandish memories together, and I will cherish and hold them dear forever.

We started raising our son in Oregon, moved to LA, had our daughter, lived there for about eight years, then started moving all over the globe for the next 10 years (Australia, Nashville, British Columbia, Quebec, India, and London to name a few). We also gained a foster son for three years in Canada which was lovely.

“Angel Baby” | Midjourney design by Rachel Adell

During that precious time raising kids, I released one album, wrote two more (coming soon), and worked on a few singles with other artists around the world. There have been awards here and there for songs, writing, poetry. I’ve been lucky enough to have had the opportunity to perform on some incredible stages, including Nashville’s Blue Bird Cafe.

As you follow along in my story, you will also discover that I don’t create for fame, glitz, or glamour. Creating was a form of survival for me as a child, and has simply grown into a way of life.

The grueling pain this life has given me was so many deep dark tunnels of crawling and crying. But thank goodness for the healing that comes through dreaming, expressing, and creating. Creating is a spiritual practice that has the power to change things, change you, change perspectives. Move on lighter and more settled.

I firmly believe that each person has a deep well of pain that is just longing to explode into something haunting and beautiful.

*What do you dream of? What have you ignored or left unexpressed? Did you bottle it up? Do you have nagging feelings to make something? Is it time for you to get it out?

*Leave me a comment letting me know. Look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for the time you took to read this far, you must be a true gem to set aside this kind of pause in your life, away from the fast pace world.

Happy to sit with you.

Love,

Rachel

“Dreaming” | Midjourney design by Rachel Adell