The Elephant in the Room

 *In honour of Women’s History Month, I’d like to share post I made awhile back on Instagram. There are still many industries discriminating against women, and the music industry is not the least of them. Fans can also make hurtful comments without realizing. (Some changes and embellishments were made for this blog post).

Let’s talk about The Elephant in the room...
But first? No matter what you’ve been told your limitations are, I’m encouraging you to QUESTION THAT. If it feels like a bunch of bologna, here’s your permission to candidly rebel and crush old lame standards and limitations.

Introducing the elephant that has been in the room wherever I go...

“Why are you still pursuing music and trying to ‘make it’ at your age?

Or other comments veiled under fake compliments, “Wow, you’re so brave to put yourself out there, are you happy with the results of your work?” or “Would it be more lucritive to write for other artists” or “Were you hoping to tour and become famous?” or “Wow, I would not expect that, what made you decide to do that?”

Then more focused within the industry…

“I can make this pretty, you don’t need the drums” or “Are you sure you want electric guitar there?” or in response to me wanting to tour a studio, “What’s your purpose in being here?” or my favorite, just complete silence. Ignoring or disrespecting me by talking or yelling over my sets, but then demanding everyone be silent for theirs. Or one time when I won a competittion, another competitor was surprised that he lost to me and put up the biggest stink, not taking a moment to consider how his words would make me feel. He made it clear that he didn’t think I was good enough to lose to him.

But back to…“Why are you still pursuing music and trying to ‘make it’ at your age?”

MY ANSWER:

Well, let us break that down shall we?

1. I’m just as guilty of doubting myself, but let’s be real, this is both an ageist and sexist question.

2. I am not trying to “make it” I’m already making it. Music. That’s what I’m making.

3. Music doesn’t leave your soul once you get a wrinkle or two.

4. Because I want to and I like it. I’m awesome.

5. Age has nothing to do with it, except for the fact that the older I get, the bolder I get. So best to settle in and get used to it. More women are coming. Watch out, honey baby sugar pie.

Also...

* I’m learning to produce to go beyond safe and pretty

* Girls need more bad ace older female role models. Life does not end after 25, that is dumb sexist thinking that implies women can only do music if they’re sexy

* I started my own music company (CANDID CRUSH RECORDS) so I could collaborate and create all kinds of music with and for like minded musicians. I love being independent and I intend to empower and encourage all my collaborators to do the same!

And there’s the big beautiful wrinkly elephant in my room 🐘 That’s why my logo for Candid Crush Records is an elephant. No need to excuse her, instead, my girl is gonna be empowered.

She’s already crushing it.

I want to empower you too! Tell me what creative endeavors you are diving into these days, or that you’re dreaming of diving into. You deserve to live out your dreams. Let’s do this!

Love,

Rachel Adell

Slowing Down Time

Spinning my wheels used to be my full time job. All the ideas and going nowhere. Because all the things.

Over the last few years, I discovered this thing called commitment to my own life. Deciding for myself what I really want out of this life, was a game changer. This new and simple mindset settled me down and brought me a level of peace and fulfillment I had never felt before.  Instead of falling victim to commitments, inner-voice expectations, mindless time leaks, being overly independent, innocent distractions, hustle, and other people’s agenda, I am better at evaluating if it already fits into what I have planned to do with my life. 

Do any of these things ring a bell for you?

Too many commitments can be a royal disaster. When you’re spread too thin, almost everything you do is diluted. How can we stop ourselves from the over commitment game? Let’s identify how we got ourselves there in the first place. Though not exhaustive, here’s a list of things that hook me…

1) SAYING ‘YES’ ONE TOO MANY TIMES. When we make a clear commitment to ourselves and our goals before life starts steam rolling, we can better sort out when to say yes and when to say no. If you have filled in your calendar with what you’ve decided are the absolutes in your own life, you will be able to honestly say you are unavailable to requests for your time. Do not say yes to someone else’s whim or invite merely because you love them. Your life, time, and plans are precious, treat them that way. Check your calendar for a time that would not put you out, or move your priorities or sanity to the side, and ask if they are available then. And only then. 

2) FEAR OF MISSING OUT. Geese, we all have this at one point or another. But here’s an idea, try to have FOMO on your own life. It does a pretty delightful flip on your perspective. The moment you recognize that the longing to be involved in every last thing strains what you hold most dear, saying no becomes much easier. I have so many projects on hold, while I finish this album. It can be painful, and really puts my discipline and focus to the test. Song ideas come, amazing collaborations come my way, and other things outside of music call for my attention all day long. But I have a personal to do list that relates to me meeting my own goals by certain dates, and I remind myself that finishing those will add meaning to all future projects. But without focus, everything just becomes a hustle of scattered diluted projects and opportunities. There is a time and a place for hustle, but decide what your vision is, before you get pulled in every direction.

3) BEING MULTI-PASSIONATE is a thing. This is not inherently bad, but it can get you into trouble if you don’t create a short term and long term schedule. I have plans to write two books (already outlined), and several children’s books outlined and sketched as well. But they must stay that way, until I’m through with my ‘right now’ goals. Every now and then an idea pops into my head, and I allow myself to add it to my documents. But that is all, no expanding. Again, it’s painful, but the joy that comes from forward momentum in my current projects keeps me in a peaceful place.

4) THE NEED TO PLEASE OTHERS. Is there something really wrong with this? After all, doesn’t it convey what an innately loving creature you are? Actually, it does. However, the truth is, the people you love, love you too. They want what’s best for you, and trust that you will be honest with them if you are stretching beyond your limits. Think about it, when you ask for something whether big or small, would you ever in a million years want them to say yes if it strained or inconvenienced them? No way. But if it’s just the word “No” that’s hard for you, here are a few ways to soften the blow…

• Start with positive, “That sounds amazing” or “I would so love to do that”

• Then say “I wish I was available” “I hope I can do something with you soon”

• Then you could finish by saying, “Please don’t hesitate to ask again” or “I will let you know if anything changes”

Inner voices and all those lofty expectations can be another effective de-railer from a peaceful life. And they can come from so many different directions too. Ourselves, parents, friends, teachers, church, or even something as general and grand as societal norms. What’s really great about this life though, is that no matter what, we still have the power to decide what takes space in our own minds. Others may be trickier residents to get rid of, but the effort, however longterm is worth the effort. No, you don’t need to sign your kids up for ever extra curricular to be a good parent. You can still be a successful student, friend, mother, or father, even if you are unable to attend every single activity. You don’t need to have a double major, or have a high paying job, or be multi-lingual to be a successful person. You don’t need a perfect body, a perfect home, or a sweet ride to be a complete person either. What’s beautiful, is that you get to tap into your own intuition and decide which inner voices bring you the most fulfillment. Be sure to double check on your own expectations for yourself too though. Are they realistic? Do they bring you true peace? Do you have time for them? Yes? Okay, then you can trust yourself.

Mindless time leaks are absolutely everywhere these days, and most of them are in the palm of your hand. When I get on my phone for something related to my goals, I’m invaded by a myriad of distractions. Some, though legitimate, seem to steal my attention away at inconvenient times. Others seem urgent, so I can’t help but check. Without a plan and focus, it is very easy for me to take a nose dive down a series of rabbit holes. Let’s not also forget the mysterious automatic thumb clicks? What in the heck? I hate those. And often times these a-holes take up anywhere between 15 minutes and 3 hours. Think of it, if you had a way to avoid mindless time leaks, you might stand to gain an extra day every week! Four days a month! 48 per year? That’s no joke. Almost an extra two months a year. Though I haven’t been diagnosed, all signs lead to ADHD before screens could be held in my hand, so the struggle is alive and kicking. Because I long for control, focus, and peace in my life, I have spent hours trying to manage the interruptions. Here are a few of my own little hacks that seem to help…

• When working, turn phone face down or go and plug it in

• Only have notifications on for immediate family

• Check email a couple times a day, and texts a few times a day

• No buzzing for any notifications ever

• When phone is on, only have sounds for texts, everything else visual

• Before opening phone, try to be mindful and focused on why you picked it up, stick to that

• Put automatic thumb click apps in hard to find places 

• Laptop has zero incoming notifications, save for necessary software updates, etc

• Assign specific time(s) to check social media, in order to not be stuck checking all day

Not accepting help is a classic American move. You may not realize, but even third world countries are better at allowing experts, friends, and family to help out than we are. That independent blood tells us to take pride in doing everything on our own. Sure, we may save a little money, but my gosh, do we waste a lot of our own time. Once I realized that 70% of my time was spent cleaning and keeping up on household duties, it became a no brainer to hire someone to come and do the heavy cleaning for us. Suddenly I had freed up hours and hours of time to work on my dreams. When someone offers you help, and you say no because you know you can do it, maybe consider instead the time, energy, and effort it will take you. There is no shame when you respect the precious time you have left on this earth to go for your dreams. And in the end, you are either allowing someone the opportunity to serve, which always brings the warm fuzzies, or you’re providing someone with paid work. Take pride in being more mindful with your time, and feel humble about the beauty of allowing others to help. If you’re still not convinced, just try it once. Just once. Identify how it affected your time and energy, and then get back to me. 

Innocent Distractions are for the most part, out of your control. How you move out and on from them is up to you. Someone knocks on the door, someone comes up to your desk, there’s a fender bender outside, the power goes out, a bird will not stop singing, a baby wakes up early from their nap. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes you can quickly tend to the situation, and get right back to work. Aside from emergencies, which understandably stop everything, there are those that are in between. The ones that are sticky to walk away from. The coworker that wants to chat, the family member that wants to ask a question every other minute, an aggressive door salesman cannot take the hint. The answer: get better at setting up boundaries beforehand. No soliciting signs help, and so does asking your people if they need anything right now, because you will be unavailable for the next two to three hours. When people know your availability, they tend to respect it. Unless of course, they are children. Then, I have no answers for you, and I’m all ears. Haha.

Addiction to hustling we hoped would have slowly gone out of style with the pandemic. But alas, the type A’s and extroverts of the world have only been storing up their energy for a level of hustling like we’ve never seen before. When moving fast, and doing way too much to be human in one day becomes a bit of a societal norm, things start to spin out of control and fall apart. Stress and anxiety tend to rule just about every interaction. So at the end of the day, ask yourself, “Is it more important to me to have checked off an enormously long checklist, or is it more important to me that I smiled, made someone laugh, made eye contact, and experienced a flavour, a scent, or something beautiful in a new way?” Taking the time to figure out how we want to be living really helps when it’s time to start putting things in the calendar. There will be an odd feeling as you transition out of this fast pace lifestyle, as you may feel very alone at first. But then, in your bliss, you realize that you have a new responsibility to entice others to do the same. My favorite is the make a stranger stop in their tracks because I give them a compliment, or make an inappropriate joke. Before our interaction, they were straight-faced racing to the next item on their list. Joy can’t describe how healing it is to witness another human let loose for a minute and laugh. 

And speaking of type A’s and extroverts…

Other People’s Agendas can be the hardest to avoid. “Sign up for this, attend this, be interviewed for that, take a survey, leave a review, unsubscribe, oh but we miss you come back, receive these thousands of coupons or invites you didn’t ask for, join this book club, attend every birthday, baby shower, wedding, and church activity that ever was” or run the risk of being a first class life drop out. Congratulations to me and whoever else is happy to miss out on most all the things in order to live the kind of peaceful life we want. It’s even okay if you have to miss a family reunion or two to save your sanity. The only agenda that should be running your life, is your own agenda. Other people’s agendas may not line up with yours, and that’s okay. Many of the people that volunteer to run these things are inviting you to be inclusive. There is never a requirement to attend anything that you don’t have time for, or just plain drives you mad. You can still love someone and maintain a healthy connection regardless of what you can and cannot attend. No one needs to know your reason. Remember, “that sounds amazing, I wish I was available then, I will let you know if anything changes,” are lovely ways to let the person know you care about them, even if you can’t make it. 

Bottom line; you deserve to feel happiness, peace, joy, and fulfillment in this life. Your dreams are worth becoming real. When you shift your mindset and life around commitments, expectations, time management, and distractions to revolve around what you really want out of this life, peace and fulfillment will be yours for the enjoying.

Love,

Rachel Adell