Album Diaries | Alive
Life delivers storms, beauty, and when we’re lucky, rest. If you run and try to avoid the storms, you will rarely catch your breath long enough to enjoy the moments of rest. I want to learn to sit with them, absorb their warmth, so I can carry on with strength through the next storm.
I had a near death experience accompany all three of my children coming to this worl. Welcoming new life in a state of fresh remembrance that life is fragile is daunting, to say the least. I always framed it as a positive, but I realize that I’m fairly traumatized by it all. Somehow all the difficulties melt away when they wrap their little fingers around yours, or when they fall asleep with their head on your chest.
My kids were very hard to come by. We had a lot of excruciating wait times and tragedies in between. The kids I have, well, they are my miracles. I can hardly believe I have them some days. If you are a woman who has always longed for this, my heart aches for you. My hope is that because it’s so important to you, you will get to experience it in the next life, or you will be granted many opportunities to mother and help mother other children in this life.
Saw you open your eyes
The day I almost died
You let out a cry
As I watched you come alive
You’re alive
Baby, you’re alive
You had to hide
Deep down inside
Now you breath and feel
Cold and warm and real
Night disappears
Hope reappears
Adjusting your eyes
You’re own sunrise
Baby #1) With the first birth of my child, it was a month before his due date, I accidentally drank something that should have put me into cardiac arrest. I was in the emergency room faced with the fact that I could lose my life in minutes or by that evening. Our hands and eyes were locked as we tried to muster the faith. Luckily, I thoughtlessly made myself throw up right after drinking it (the bottle said not to)…but the doctor feels sure that’s what saved my life. I met my baby four weeks later.
Baby #2) Three days after the birth of my daughter, I started to hemorrhage. The doctor said I would lose my life or need to have an emergency hysterectomy within hours if a med she prescribed didn’t work. My gosh, this was a familiar feeling. The medication didn’t work, and I kept bleeding. We had a spiritual experience and a blessing an hour later. The bleeding immediately slowed to a safe level.
Your heavy crown
Weighing you down
Straight lines
Confine the mind
With your guard down
Freedom profound
Realize
You’re alive
Baby #3) The pregnancy with my third was my easiest, I had never felt so strong and healthy. Because I was older, the medical staff took several “precautions” that ended up interfering with the natural birth process, and to be frank, nearly killed me. At one point during labor, after an injection to the chest, I woke up to alarms, an oxygen mask, and my bed upside down. My husband’s face as pale as ever, which told me everything I needed to know. Took me a year to even retell the story of that horrible night. My husband almost lost me again.
(And this was after I had survived cancer)
Child #4) Our fourth child, whom we fostered from age ten to thirteen, passed away three years after leaving our home. This poor kid. He tried so hard with all his challenges and endured so much. After his time with us, he really wanted to return home living near his family and visiting often was all he every wanted, and cried for at least weekly when he was with us. How sad to have lost his life when he was on such a good trajectory, seemingly happy, and doing so well. This is a tragedy I will never heal from, and will forever be traumatized by. If this has happened to you, I am completely open to how you have been able to move forward. What an unexplainable bomb in the chest.
One thing I have learned through this heartache is that life is precious, life is fleeting. You never know what’s going to happen next. Sweating the small stuff is not something you’ll applaud yourself for on your death bed. The people who are alive and in your life right now? Let them know how important they are to you. Bask in their presence, appreciate their laugh and record their voice.
Then look in the mirror, and remember, that you’re alive too. Sometimes it feels ‘off’ to be grateful to be alive when so many have lost their lives. Is it insensitive to try and be happy? At first it might feel that way, but one day you realize that your misery is not going to do them any favors. It most certainly won’t bring them back. It’s probably not doing you, or the people depending on you any favors either. We have very little control in this life. You don’t have to understand why they had to go, and you don’t have to continue to carry the responsibility. All we can do is take the time we do have, and lift each other up.
Pick up your feet
Shed what’s heavy
Wave goodbye
You let it fly
Praying to thank
That you are here today
This is real
You’re alive
Written and Performed by Rachel Adell
Produced by Craig Sayer