Album Diaries | Everything

Song: “Everything”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Los Angeles 2011 , orginal title “You Had to Go”

Topic: Grieving a loved one, namely a parent

This song was inspired by the death of mother in law’s mother. Their relationship was so tender and sweet, and touched me deeply. It was originally titled “You Had to Go” but I wanted to focus more on the love and admiration, not only the loss. The loss is the inspiration for the song, and hopefully creates a space to do some of your own grieiving if you have also lost someone close to you. There is a sweetness is allowing ourselves to truly feel the pain, so we can find some reverance and quiet on the other side.

Only a couple years before Ruthie passed away she told me that she held her daughter and hugged her the whole night during a particularly rough chapter. That image holds space in my heart every time I play or sing this song. Thank goodness for the people who are willing to sit with us and rock us when we need it most.

Always had you before

I don’t have you anymore

All my memories are perfect and right

You held me and rocked me throughout the night

I still remember

Your smile and frown

I’m sorry for the times I let you down

I’ll always love you 

You’ll always love me

But I’ll be good for you, wait and see

Recently my mother went through cancer, and then was given the news that the chemo and radiation would not be able to get rid of it all, and she would need to get transfusions for the rest of her life. The other part is that we don’t know how long she has to live as it is such a rare cancer. Losing my mom seems unfathomable, I hope we have lots more time with her. Our mothers become this symbol and figure that is impossible to replace. For those of you who have already lost your mothers, my heart goes out to you. It has got to be the most challenging loss, most especially if you were young, oh my gosh. All the blessings to your wonderful heart, I hope this song finds a safe home with you.

You had to go 

Yes I know

You were everything, everything, everything

You were everything, everything, everything

You were everything 

Gotta be strong

Time to move on

Don’t want to go home 

Without you there

I know you’re not gone

That feeling is wrong

I’m gonna hang on

Till I see you again

You were everything to me

Written and performed by Rachel Adell

Produced by Craig Sayer

Album Diaries | Dreaming

Song: “Dreaming and Dreaming”

Album: Saturday Sunrise 2023

Written: Nashville 2013

Topic: The story of my childhood

This song is a birds eye view of my life span from birth until now.

Saturday morning she came into the world

Right at sunrise this small town girl

In a trailer born near the train tracks

He was yelling she turned her back

I was born during sunrise on Saturday, at home in a trailer in the Wallowa, Oregon mountains. My five year old sister was watching Saturday morning cartoons as mom screamed from the back room. My dad wanted to name me sunrise, but my mom said, “no hippie names,” and she named me Rachel from a bible. Their relationship struggled and my mom left him for the only Dad I knew until I was nineteen years old.

They moved away with another man

He made them his own then he held their hands

Way too perfect standing there in a row

The worst was coming but they didn’t yet know

My step Dad, whom I thought was my real dad, took us under his wing. The amount of photos of me sitting in his lap or falling asleep on his chest, are not few. To say I was a Daddy’s girl was an understatement. I remember nothing but adoring him and longing for his affection. Things were hard, but they were only about to get worse.

It all ended one early morning

Crushing pain holding tight to the dream

Connection drifting night and day

Internal supernova, blown away

3 things I found out in one day that changed me forever

• My dad was moving out 

• He wasn’t my real dad

• He was taking my little sister with him 

So many layers for a seven year old to unpack here. I’m a grown adult , and I’m still sorting it out. The truth is, life is complicated and messy, and our parents are real people. As kids we see them as these perfect super heroes, and so when we feel let down, we think the world has ended. In reality, it has not ended, and there is plenty of your beautiful life to live. There are ways to process and heal from these things, and we can forgive and we can move on, and live out the dreams of our heart. We may have to do it on our terms and a little bit alone at first, but with time we can find the life that has been alive within us from the very beginning.

Seeing truth, when you were blind

Finally seeing reason and rhyme

Going inward finding light

Always here alive, divine

I never believed in God. My mom raised me with the freedom to follow my own heart. She taught me to trust my gut, to find truth for myself. There is no better gift to bestow upon a child, to trust in their own ability to discern. That was the number one benefit of her approach as a mother.

Learning to dive inward and trust your own dreams and imagination is a powerful thing for a person to learn early on. Because believe it or not, everything you have in life now, you first imagined. Often times we feel we need to control the process and outcome when leading a small person along. But common sense tells us that most humans, if given the trust, connection, and freedom they deserve, will arrive at their own beautiful conclusions. There is no need for the mind control that so many try to bestow within and without spiritual settings. True spirituality is a freedom filled power that resides individually within each one of us. Many have been taught not to believe in that, to not trust that, that dreaming and praying is a pathetic pathway to disappointment. Or on the other end of the spectrum, the only way to fix your life. However, after dreaming, asking, imagining, we must study out the actions that will lead us in the right direction. The universe and God will handle the rest. 

I dreamt of my future family, my future life, my future partner. I dreamt of how I wanted it to be, how I wanted it to look. Then I put it in the hands of God and the universe to unfold whatever may come from those imaginations. To this day, so many of my dreams have come true. In small detailed ways I never uttered out loud, and in ways much much bigger than I had in mind. Expressing gratitude is all I really have room for these days. Whatever might be hard in my life, some days I can hardly comprehend that it was my belief is what got me here. 

I’m so freaking grateful. 

Best bet? Trust yourself. Trust your dreams. Trust God and the universe to listen and respond. Even if it’s in a way or on a timeline you weren’t expecting.

Dreaming and Dreaming, Dreaming, Dreaming

Written and performed by Rachel Adell

Produced by Craig Sayer